Now our blog is called Men’s SWAG, but we’d hope that we have a somewhat diverse audience. Because of that, today I’ve got an androgynous post for everyone today. Whether you are a man or woman you should definitely give this a read…now onto the topic at hand…
Everyone has a fear or insecurity, sometime more than just one. They can range from a fear of heights, to spiders, or clowns, or…the color yellow. That’s right, if you have a fear there is probably a name for it. This is the same when it comes to relationships. You’ve got people that are afraid of committing, those that are afraid of being hurt, and people that insecure about their bodies or have very low views of their self worth and ability to be a positive partner for their significant other. But the question in all of these instances is really “What are you really so afraid of”? Hopefully this piece will help to tackle some of the issues that people encounter, and we’ll also attempt to give some advice to those who have a partner that is fearful on how they can best help to alleviate these feelings.
So, really though, what are you afraid of? Many times people’s fears and insecurities are brought about by past negative experiences that they have had with their partners before. Sometimes they were cheated on and so they are not trusting of anyone. Or they might have been in an abusive relationship and so their self-worth or esteem are at a low. Perhaps they just have never had a positive relationship in their past whether its family or with their partner. The truth is that everyone’s present state of mind is brought about by issues and events from their past. In order move on from these issues we must face them head on. If you allow yourself to live in the past and let these issues make you lost in your own feelings of negative self-worth and pity, then chances are that you will miss out on a chance to really be happy with someone. You can not live in the past and make your present about those past things. Now you may be thinking “Stephen, that’s much easier said than done” and you’d be right. Its not an easy process and that’s why not everyone has reached that point, but the truth is that if you allow yourself to live in the past you will never be able to move forward.
Fears are based in something more. you are afraid to trust because you have been cheated on. You are insecure about your body because you were told that you are unattractive or abused in someway. You feel like you aren’t ready for a loving relationship because you aren’t worth it or unworthy or unready. The truth is that none of these past issues can truly be relayed into what you are currently going through. the truth is folks that not every relationship is meant to work and you are supposed to learn lessons and develop wisdom from these past mistakes and issues, not develop fear. They happen so that you can feel stronger later, not weaker. If you allow these issues to push those you care about farther away from you, then you may find yourself very lonely. Take these issues from your past and make them into ways that you can grow.
Now maybe you aren’t the one whose issues are keeping them from reaching the potential of your relationship. that means you are the one dealing with the issues of the other person. you need to ask yourself several important questions…how important is this person? do you really want them, despite what they are going through? Are you willing to be there and help them through it and show patience? if the answer is yes, then you must focus on allowing that person to solve their own issues with you there as a person that will support them and push them to learn about themselves and really work on these issues. you can’t allow them to internalize and “get lost in their mind”. that doesn’t help anyone. But you also must accept the fact that you will need to show a great deal of patience. Not everyone will be able to work through their issues at the speed you want. sometimes you are going to feel beat down, defeated and down right miserable as they pull away, lash out or push you farther out of their life, but the truth is that they need you. They need to be pushed and if you care about them you will be willing to work with them. Afterall…”No one is afraid of heights, they are afraid of the fall. No one is afraid to play, they are afraid to lose. No one is afraid of the dark, they are afraid of what’s in it. No one is afraid to say i love you, they are afraid of the response.”
So yes, somebody may have once cheated on you, and yes you may have never gotten to hear that you mattered or that you were a person worth being with. But the truth is that when somebody tells you that they love you, you have to choose to believe them. If they say you are beautiful, ladies you have got to believe them. If they say to you that they won’t hurt you, you have to believe them. Because in the end, all we have is trust and hope that the next one will be the last one. If we are stuck in the past in our minds, we may never see that.
Stephen Wallace-Men’s SWAG
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