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Six month gym memberships. 2-year phone contracts. 15 year mortgages. As men we make long term commitments to everything except women. Why is it so difficult to agree to commit time and energy into another person, yet so easy for us to go right on ahead and sign our lives away for phones or cars or credit cards? I have had countless women ask me that very question, so this post is dedicated to them. Hopefully it’ll also serve as a shout out to all my fellow men out there afraid to commit themselves to something.
Let’s tackle each question separately. first, why don’t men commit? I’m sure every woman has wondered what in the hell it will take to get a man to finally settle. Ladies, men are afraid of commitment for a couple reasons. Pride and a very inherent fear of failure. Society tells us that men (especially young men) should play the field and go out and get with as many girls as possible and those that aren’t doing that are seen as squares or men with no game. So with the said, why would we want to be tied down? No one wants to be that dude that gets clowned on…and the fear of failure comes into play because relationships are hard work and require a huge investment. a two year phone contract is guaranteed, just like a mortgage. We know that as long as we pay our bill, we’ll have a phone or a house. But in a relationship, this is not always true. Sometimes in fact, we do everything we can and still end up without the very person we invested so much time and effort into. Who wants to go through that over and over? answer: no one.
So with that said, how do we as men get over this phobia of committing to the wonderful women of this world? And additionally, how can women help us along? well the answer to the first question can be found in a rejection of norms we have accepted as men. there is no shame in deciding to be with one woman. In fact, it takes more game and more skill to keep just one person happy for a long time as opposed to keeping several people happy for just a little while. Be willing to challenge yourself men and make sure you pick a good woman and stick with her. and as for all of my wonderful women of this world…just be sure to not put a ton of pressure on a man to commit to only you. it will happen when he is ready-if he is ready-and if he isnt htne it’s on you to move on and allow him to do what he’s gotta do
the challenge at the end of this? do what you can to allow yourself to be free from a fear to commit. Because a healthy relationship is worth the work…share this post with friends folks! and blow up our inbox with your messages and questions and topic requests.
-Stephen Wallace, Men’s SWAG
the crew here at Men’s SWAG has gone through quite a shake up. Not too sure what to make of it…but in the mean time, to keep y’all from completely fallin off here’s something a lil different to hold you over…
Relationships are fickle. They have to be in the right window of time and when they aren’t, sometimes you just need to take a step back and allow yourself and the other person to mature, develop and do your own personal thing. this can apply to friendships, or romantic relationships.
The story here is that sometimes we jump into things before we are ready. We all do it, it’s human nature. But when we look back and we realize that we jumped into it too soon, we need to appreciate that we weren’t ready at that moment. However, it doesn’t mean that one day when things are little better, and the people involved have matured and really undergone some change that things won’t get better. Sometimes we have to admit to ourselves that we treated a person poorly, made immature decisions and ultimately doomed ourselves to the end. But we also have to hold out hope that if that person is someone we really want to be with then one day things will come back around…and if they don’t then take what you learned and keep it pushin.
So remember keep your head up and your hope flowing. Because you never know what might come back around.
We’ve all heard the expression…”good things come to those who wait”. But the question is, while you’re waiting…do you really know what you’re waiting for? Relationships and dating only work if you really have a plan of some kind. It doesn’t have to be concrete, but it does have to exist. You have to decide what kind of person you are waiting for and what kind of situation. The point is, whatever it is that you are looking for out of relationship or any other kind of situation with your partner needs to be what you stick with. Refuse to settle.
Settling is often what we decide to do when some of our needs or wants or met. But the thing is that there is always a catch in those kinds of situations. We may decide that even though we REALLY want to be in a relationship that we can settle to just hook up with someone. But if you are a person that catches feelings easily or finds it difficult to separate hooking up from being with a person in a relationship, then you shouldn’t resort to hooking up. The opposite is also true…If you enjoy playing the field (man that’s an old term) or just being able to not have to worry about being tied down then a relationship is probably not the right look for you. Go with what you need to succeed with your partner.
Now you may be thinking…Stephen, I don’t feel like that right person and situation will ever come…that’s a valid concern and the response is that honestly the PERFECT situation may never come around. BUT a workable and reasonable situation is a definite possibility and will come around. We always want things on our time, but truthfully, that just isn’t how it goes. Show some patience and be willing to say “no” when the person or situation doesn’t seem right. In the end, the right person and situation will come along and you’ll find yourself happy with the right person, at the right time and right place. It won’t be perfect, because the world never really is. But it will certainly be something that you’ll hear twill be happy and content with. Just keep waiting
-Stephen Wallace, Men’s SWAG
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What artist is on top right now? That’s the question. I feel there are so many artists fighting for top spot In the mixtape world. So I went through my music library and listened again to several mixtapes. Drake, Tyga, Lil Wanye, and J. Cole are killin the rap and game…Wait you cant forget about Big Krit.
Drake- His newest mixtape O.V.O. The mixtape consist of new and old songs and other people raping and sing on the mixtape. But it’s a nice taste to see what his new album is going to be like. I urge everybody to listen to it that are Drake fans.
Tyga- He has really came up as a artist. I started listening to him when he first came out when his cousin Travie put him on the map. He has grown a lot I still feel he doesn’t get the gratitude that he deserves. Black thoughts 2 is a nice mixtape. You can put it on track 1 and listen to it Straight through.
Lil Wayne- This man has killed the rap game in every way possible. His new mixtape, I feel that it could of been better. Comparing his other mixtapes to sorry for the wait could been a lot better. But you can’t knock him…he still kills the rap game.
J. Cole- This guy yet to put out a album but is still has people talking about him. All his mixtapes that he put on go SO hard. If you have not listen to how high you need too. That Song Is every smoker out there. When he finally puts his out there I promise you it’s going to be fire.
Big Krit- This rapper is a mixture between Ludacris and Outkast together. But he is new country rapper is killin the game. Everything that he has put out goes hard.
Questions? comments? fill up our INbox with your INput…that’s what it’s there for.
-Blake Dye, Men’s SWAG
Being a man is not necessarily the same as being a gentleman. I feel like guys out these days do not really know what it takes to be a gentleman. This will not make you a “bitch” or anything, so there is really no excuse towards why a man cannot be a gentleman towards a woman. For one, women like it and find it attractive. And secondly, act this way towards women and you will already be doing something that most men stray away from.
So now let’s explain what exactly a gentleman is or does. To me, these men open and close doors wherever and whenever for the ladies. They listen to women, depending on who the girl is, they pay for them to go out. That last one will mostly include those that are dating, not for the ones merely “hooking up.” To be a gentleman requires a lot of patience. Having that will set a man apart from the majority of men out there.So try it, maybe one day having that patience will teach you a thing or two about yourself along with how to get in good with the ladies.
Trust…It’s one of the most important parts of any dating relationship. Do you trust your partner not to cheat on you? (assuming you’re monogamous) Do you trust that person will be honest with you about how they’re feeling? Let’s be real fellas (and ladies, for those of you reading this too) we don’t trust enough. And in all likelihood, we aren’t usually all that worthy of being trusted. But with that said, unless we can trust the person that we choose to date or be with, or just hook up with then ultimately things can end up ugly.
I imagine that most of you reading this right now are probably thinking to yourselves “well if trust is so important, how do i make that work?”. That’s a great question, I’m glad you asked. Trust begins and ends with your gut feelings. If you are questioning whether or not you can trust a person from the beginning, then in all likelihood, there is no reason that you should be with them in the first place. Trust can sometimes, be developed, but there is no reason to force yourself to fight a strong gut feeling that you have about someone. At the same time, you do want to give people a chance to explain their habits or talk out any issues you may have that are keeping you from being able to trust them. Talking is healthy and so is honesty.
Speaking of honesty, the best way to prove that your trustworthy is to tell the truth. Guys, let me repeat that…TELL THE TRUTH! Why deceive a girl? Don’t just tell them what they want to hear. Tell them the truth. If you just want to date them casually and also see other people, then say that. If you want to be with them and only them, just tell them that. But back up those words with actions. It’s not about what you say to a woman, it’s about what you do following the statement(s) that you made. If you contradict your words in your actions then you will not earn the trust of the woman. Don’t give a person a reason not to trust your intentions or feel that they can not trust you to make smart choices. If you want to be with a woman exclusively, don’t be out in the street chasing after other women…that is NOT A GOOD LOOK. Do those thing s that will inspire trust.
So…Here’s a MEN’s SWAG challenge…Try and be honest with the women around you. you may be pleasantly surprised in how they react to a man that is capable of telling the truth. There will be a lot more respect and more trust in your relationships.
-Stephen Wallace, Men’s SWAG
Knowledge is one thing that should mean the most to anybody. Knowledge is the tool that keeps us learning, that helps us not make further mistakes and the thing that helps us all grow as a person. In the bible it states, “Knowledge, seek and you will find, ask and you will find.” The search for knowledge should never stop. Some say knowledge is power and I would fully agree. Along with that, with power comes respect. Therefore, knowledge will lead to respect, especially in my eyes. I have the upmost respect for those that are in search to learn and attain more knowledge. Those that choose to keep a closed mind automatically miss the chance to earn my respect. But, enough about my views. Knowledge is something that deserves more recognition. I feel as though, many people do not take it as serious. Let’s give an example of what I am trying to say shall we? A person can have a great job, with benefits never heard of before, but have far less knowledge than a college drop out. Knowledge is not referring to book smart, but intelligence in every aspect of life. Knowledge can be as simple as learning how to heat up a cup of water. It isn’t necessarily rocket science, but something that is new and will be useful to a person later on. So this now brings me to my eleventh rule; It is alright to treat yourself to some knowledge. Nobody has all knowledge, but it never hurts to gain some more. So keep an open mind about things, and be aware of your surroundings, because you can learn from just about anything.
Ever hear the expression “it sicks out like a sore thumb?” I tend to think about hide and seek when we were all kids when I hear this expression, but I want to take one step further and tie it into everyday aspects of life.
Let me begin by stating the rule. Trying to fit in is a lot tougher than sticking out. Be yourself and you will look far different than the norm.
Okay so in life we tend to join cliques; it’s natural and almost occurs all the time. Now when we were young playing hide and seek, sticking out was considered a bad thing, as it wold get you caught. We all know that nobody really wanted to be “it.” Well nowadays I am going to go out there and claim that “sticking out” is not a bad thing. Actually, I wuld like to think of it as a plus.
It’s simple, why would everyone wanna be the same as everyone else? It just seems illogical and quite frankly, a little dumb. Guys, don’t quote me, but I’m pretty confident that most women want a man that is not like the rest, well at least would prefer one. Women, look speaking on behalf of most men, we prefer uniqueness.
Now those of you who actually attempt to “fit in” need to not anymore. Don’t take that the wrong way, I mean if that is what truly will make you happy, then by all means, do tat, but for the most part, I believe being true to yourself will ultimately make you the happiest in the long run.
Like the very rule states, it is much tougher to try to fit in with the masses. This is just me talking, but a person has much more of my respect if they are themself. Seems easy right?
So here is my challenge. For one day, keep to yourself, try to see what you think and act like when you are alone. Take it from us. Step the SWAG game up in this world.
Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like you to excuse me for my extended absence, but I am back again to give you helpful hints to fulfill your music fix. Now many of you may know this up and coming rapper I am about to introduce, if you happen to listen to more than just the mainstream music/radio. Kanye West’s protege Big Sean is an up and coming artist who I think hasn’t hit mainstream quite yet, but he’s well on the brink and his talent and wordplay is what I believe will push him over the top. On the two mixtapes I’ve listened to (Almost Famous & UKNOWBIGSEAN), I became instantly impressed. When looking at Big Sean on the surface, I imagined another new artist that would embarrassingly pale in comparison to his more experienced mentor. Not the case however, with Big Sean. Don’t get me wrong, I am by no means saying Big Sean is on Kanye’s level, but you can definitely see why Mr. West gave him an opportunity.
His flow has an effortless flow that is comparable to Mase (for those of us that grew up in the 90’s). And his clever, witty wordplay only impresses me that much more. On the bonus track on the mixtape, Finally Famous, he goe toe to toe with Mr. West himself and definitely holds his own. He ends his verse by boasting, “You the man in your city? Cool./ When am I performing? Right After you/Sorry, but you gon be placed right after two/Cuz I’m first place, the second is my crew/So move.”
One thing I can say is that Big Sean doesn’t touch on too many deep topics, but if you’re looking for an up and coming rapper with witty, bragadocious lyrics to entertain, you may hit the jackpot with Big Sean. Lend your ear to SWAG.
Now our blog is called Men’s SWAG, but we’d hope that we have a somewhat diverse audience. Because of that, today I’ve got an androgynous post for everyone today. Whether you are a man or woman you should definitely give this a read…now onto the topic at hand…
Everyone has a fear or insecurity, sometime more than just one. They can range from a fear of heights, to spiders, or clowns, or…the color yellow. That’s right, if you have a fear there is probably a name for it. This is the same when it comes to relationships. You’ve got people that are afraid of committing, those that are afraid of being hurt, and people that insecure about their bodies or have very low views of their self worth and ability to be a positive partner for their significant other. But the question in all of these instances is really “What are you really so afraid of”? Hopefully this piece will help to tackle some of the issues that people encounter, and we’ll also attempt to give some advice to those who have a partner that is fearful on how they can best help to alleviate these feelings.
So, really though, what are you afraid of? Many times people’s fears and insecurities are brought about by past negative experiences that they have had with their partners before. Sometimes they were cheated on and so they are not trusting of anyone. Or they might have been in an abusive relationship and so their self-worth or esteem are at a low. Perhaps they just have never had a positive relationship in their past whether its family or with their partner. The truth is that everyone’s present state of mind is brought about by issues and events from their past. In order move on from these issues we must face them head on. If you allow yourself to live in the past and let these issues make you lost in your own feelings of negative self-worth and pity, then chances are that you will miss out on a chance to really be happy with someone. You can not live in the past and make your present about those past things. Now you may be thinking “Stephen, that’s much easier said than done” and you’d be right. Its not an easy process and that’s why not everyone has reached that point, but the truth is that if you allow yourself to live in the past you will never be able to move forward.
Fears are based in something more. you are afraid to trust because you have been cheated on. You are insecure about your body because you were told that you are unattractive or abused in someway. You feel like you aren’t ready for a loving relationship because you aren’t worth it or unworthy or unready. The truth is that none of these past issues can truly be relayed into what you are currently going through. the truth is folks that not every relationship is meant to work and you are supposed to learn lessons and develop wisdom from these past mistakes and issues, not develop fear. They happen so that you can feel stronger later, not weaker. If you allow these issues to push those you care about farther away from you, then you may find yourself very lonely. Take these issues from your past and make them into ways that you can grow.
Now maybe you aren’t the one whose issues are keeping them from reaching the potential of your relationship. that means you are the one dealing with the issues of the other person. you need to ask yourself several important questions…how important is this person? do you really want them, despite what they are going through? Are you willing to be there and help them through it and show patience? if the answer is yes, then you must focus on allowing that person to solve their own issues with you there as a person that will support them and push them to learn about themselves and really work on these issues. you can’t allow them to internalize and “get lost in their mind”. that doesn’t help anyone. But you also must accept the fact that you will need to show a great deal of patience. Not everyone will be able to work through their issues at the speed you want. sometimes you are going to feel beat down, defeated and down right miserable as they pull away, lash out or push you farther out of their life, but the truth is that they need you. They need to be pushed and if you care about them you will be willing to work with them. Afterall…”No one is afraid of heights, they are afraid of the fall. No one is afraid to play, they are afraid to lose. No one is afraid of the dark, they are afraid of what’s in it. No one is afraid to say i love you, they are afraid of the response.”
So yes, somebody may have once cheated on you, and yes you may have never gotten to hear that you mattered or that you were a person worth being with. But the truth is that when somebody tells you that they love you, you have to choose to believe them. If they say you are beautiful, ladies you have got to believe them. If they say to you that they won’t hurt you, you have to believe them. Because in the end, all we have is trust and hope that the next one will be the last one. If we are stuck in the past in our minds, we may never see that.
Stephen Wallace-Men’s SWAG
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Communicating. Talking is single handily the most useful tool in a person’s arsenal. From giving directions, to telling others how you feel, talking and communicating is a necessity. Now there are those people that certain things cannot be said to. We all do it, and we all have them. We as people can only tell certain things to certain people; people we trust. Family is the first and probably the most likely choice of people a person may run to talk about certain things with, but what about those certain items that a person may not be comfortable talking to with family?
For those situations, my next rule should be considered; Always have that person that is outside your family, that you can talk to about anything. These people will be some of the most important people in your life. And guys, let’s not always have a woman; let me rephrase, a girl, as these people all the time. But in some rare cases a woman can be there for you and there can be no attraction between you two, but you may not want to risk it.
When you have someone who isn’t going to automatically agree, or attempt to make you feel better by saying “what you want to hear,” it makes you feel 1000 times better. Why you may ask? Because these people will tell you the truth no matter if it hurts, makes things better, or makes things worse. Ultimately, they are there to help you and make it be known that they will truthfully tell you their perspective. Also, these people should be people that one can rely on at random, and needful times. Times when you really need to talk and just want someone to pick up the phone and listen, someone who will drive to meet up just to make sure everything is cool. That is the role this person should play for rule #9.
So take some time out of your day and try to think if you have any of these people in your life. If not, try to see who can become that person. Talk, communicate, listen and open your mind to the world. It will make you a better person and happier in the end.
They say love can make you do crazy things, but sometimes it isn’t love that is at the root of your crazy actions at all. Many times, outside pressures can cause a man to make decisions before he or the woman he is dating/hooking up with/talking to are ready for them. Expectations of the friends and family around you, or just a desire to finally have SOMEONE can make you think you want something that you don’t actually want at all. In short fellas, we MUST know where to draw the line and where our comfort zone is with the person we’re with. We also must consider what that person wants. If they truly want a relationship, but you are not ready that’s ok. Try and find a situation that makes you both comfortable and something that is sustainable for the both of you. Do not let those outside pressures influence your own decisions…in the end none of these outside people have to live with an decision you make about a relationship.
Some important things to consider… Are you ready to settle down with one person? Men (and women, sometimes) go through stages where they don’t want to be tied down, and that’s ok. You need to be completely sure that the person you settle down with is the right person. Sometimes though, it isn’t about the other person, and it’s just about not feeling comfortable in yourself. A very wise person once told me they were “so lost in their own mind and heart and just couldn’t” be with the person they were talking to, because it would be unfair to themselves and the other person.”
Also consider this: how fast are you really comfortable with moving? Some people need to date someone casually for months before they can even make things exclusive…other people can get married after dating for a matter of months. Move at a speed that is comfortable for you. It’s okay to need more time. We just all need to make an effort to properly communicate with those we care about on the subject of what we really want.
Finally, make sure that you SAY WHAT YOU MEAN! Do not tell someone you can’t be with them just because you don’t know what the other options are. Sometimes you need to just be able to fully communicate how you feel about a situation and the moves you want to make either forward or backwards. Sometimes you’ll be surprised at the way the other person is feeling and the suggestions they make. Sometimes they will say just the right thing to keep the two of you from falling completely apart and being unable to ever recover from an incorrect and hasty decision.
So now a challenge to all of our readers. Tell the one you care about or are just hooking up with what you REALLY want/need and don’t be afraid of the response. Work on real communication and being able to focus on what the two of you want because in the end, that’s all that matters.
Questions? Comments? Maybe you just have a cool story…fill our inbox with all of that so we can post them up as we get them!
Things can get hectic, situations can be tough, sometimes things just may get a little too heated for a person to even contemplate on what is actually happening. When things get too dramatic, hectic, tough, (insert adjective hear), etc.; try to remember this rule and those situations may not be as tough as they once seemed. Always have a Plan B or back-up plan. These can be anything that will help you through those tough situations.
Arguing. Arguing can cause tension and sometimes can lead to worse offenses to both or all parties. Before things get too heated and out of your control, think to yourself what could be said or done that would release some of this tension. The plan B in this situation, rather than arguing and increasing the tension, may be to open your mind, see where the other person is coming from. Try putting yourself in the other person’s shoes as he saying goes.
Consider this, the plan B is usually the one option a person does not think of right away in most cases. Instead of stepping straight into an issue, think of all the possibilities. Yet another saying that fits; think before you speak, tells us that reactions based on emotions, character, and personal affiliation with issues can sometimes cause the biggest problems to become even greater.
In some cases, more than one back-up plan may be necessary. One may go through Plan C, D, E, F, heck maybe even to Z. That’s life! Sometimes if not most of the time, life will not go exactly how you saw it happening. This rule will help you prepare for the improbable or unexpected in life. As for myself, I use the saying, Hope for the best and expect the worse. This prepares me to always be ready for those tough situations and not have them be unexpected, but to always look for the best. This combined with many of the previous and future rules will help one become ready to face whatever is thrown at them. Without these rules and back up plans alone, one can feel lost, walking down an empty road, without any direction in life. Don’t get lost, find yourself and make yourself a better person.
The challenge for this post; take the time to create some plan B’s, C’s, D’s for those situations you face from this point on. Leave your stories, questions, comments, recommendations on how we can improve, or anything you feel we should know in our answer box.
John Elijah, Men’s SWAG
Now just to be clear on what i mean here, this piece is going to be about how you
know when your friend of the opposite sex may actually be sending you signals that she actually wants something besides friendship. Now they say that as a whole, men and women are unable to just be friends, that there always must be some impure motive on that part of one person or the other. BUT that isnt always the case. Sometimes, no matter how great you think someone is, the worst thing the two of you can do is decide to start dating.
The first thing you want to do is really consider the risk/reward aspect of the scenario. Sometimes there is a mutual interest there between the two of you, but that doesn’t mean you should just jump into it. I have seen more friendships ruined by people making the wrong moves and deciding to take their friendship to the next level. decide how valuable this friend is to you and whether or not you want to lose her by getting with her, because once you reach that point, there is no going back to the friends you once were.
Also fellas, be aware of putting your feelings out there and having them not reciprocated. That’s just awkward for everybody. Make sure that the woman feels the same way that you do before you decide to cross that line. Because the second biggest failure of inter-gender friendships is that someone (often times the man) decides to try and make it more than friends. Sometimes guys, you’ve just got to be happy that you are FRIENDS with an attractive woman, and not try to make it more than that.
Stephen Wallace, Men’s SWAG